Beta Males

Sometimes, the beta males in your life will reach out to you, directly or via vaguebooking, in need of comfort because no one will have sex with them. They are so nice to women, but always get friend-zoned and not boned. These may be your friend-zoned beta-male friends, they may be beta-male friends of friends, they may be acquaintances or even strangers. They just don't understand why women are creeped out by them and won't date them.

They are always there for us. I mean -always- there. When we look up, they're staring right at us. They'll follow us to the bathroom. Buy us drinks. Stalk us at work. Post the 5 Scientific Reasons Why Women Just Won't Go For The Nice Guys on their FaceBook profile. Write moving essays about how maybe if "you dumb ladies" would stop procreating with alpha males and pick your nice-guy nurturing best friend to procreate with, the gene pool would improve. (Paraphrasing from an actual post). They are there for us, ladies! They want to coerce us into sex like nice guys.

But we just don't get it. Don't we owe them affection for all the time they've put in on being nice to us?

Plus, if we don't, they very well may murder us...or call us feminazis.

Beauty Standards

Hallelujah! An answer to my prayers! Sick of having embarrassing tiny holes all over your face like a normal person? Are you tired of whispering about this horrible birth defect that men don't have?

"pores" 

Oh, the humanity! Science has finally come up with a solution so we can start to show our faces in public again without causing everyone who sees us to uncontrollably vomit at our grossness!

Objectification in Advertising?

Saw this video on Huffington Post today:

And I have to agree with some of the YouTube and FaceBook commentators:

• "I do not support any of these trends but please do not put this on the shoulders of men."
• "Cute, except we leave out that most female trends start with us. Men in general aren't obsessed with thigh gaps or Beyonce's FACE that is a female ideal towards other females. The majority of the body shaming I've dealt with in my life were other women, this is why I don't support feminism, it is the fox investigating the chicken coop."
• "Men already are objectified. Go back and look at all of the men in the ads showed in the first part of the video. They're all ridiculously hot dudes that have looks which 99% of us will never be able to achieve..."(Think of the poor dudes who will never be ripped enough to objectify women!)
• "If women didn't want to sell their bodies out for a quick $100, they wouldn't be lining up around every block every time an advertiser puts out a casting call for them to be objectified." (Applause. So true! Who needs equal pay when we have opportunities in modeling like this for a quick $100!)

Overview

Life, and the internet, especially, can be a tricky place to be a female. Everything you say, do, write, every selfie, every share will be scrutinized by your male peers, and some female peers.

Don't write about controversial topics like: politics, women's rights (snore), motherhood (yes, that's controversial), career aspirations...or even uncontroversial topics like: food, cats, working out, hobbies. Because. Everything. You. Say. Will. Be. Criticized.

Voting for Hilary? You're just voting for her because you're a woman! Voting for Bernie? You're a bad woman, why aren't you voting for Hilary? Voting Republican? WTF is wrong with you (seriously, wtf is wrong with you?)?

Eating meat? You should really try vegan. Vegan? Ugh, I would literally *die* without bacon. Eating bread? You should go Paleo, bro. Like cats? Spinster. Working out? Men don't like ripped women with veiny arms (nearly a direct quote).

You have hobbies? I don't have time for hobbies because I have kids.

Kids. OMG. Pandora's box. Everything you do is WRONG. Breastfeeding. Not in public, slut! I don't want my kids seeing that! Not breastfeeding? WTF is wrong with you? Why are you denying your spawn nature's perfect food? Going back to work? So soon? Tsk Tsk! Staying home? Won't that put the pressure on your husband? When are you having another one? Three girls! Oh, I am so. sorry. You don't want kids? That's selfish!

What do you need feminism for? There are places on this planet where women have it much worse than you. You should be grateful for your right to vote (but your ID better match your current name, even though roughly 90% of women change their last names when they're married), your access to insanely-priced higher education, your reasonable expectation to not be murdered at all times. There are women and girls out there who have it so much worse than you. Why do you want to help them? There are women in *this* country who deserve aid more.

 Are you a gamer? No you're not. You're just trying to get attention. Cosplay? Attention-seeking whore (even though most female game characters are scantily-clad). You fake nerd girl.

 So why try? Save your energy for some needlepoint. I wish I had time for needlepoint.